Hurricanes and other emotional disasters

In the weeks and months following my ectopic pregnancy I was plagued with grief and sorrow and loss—but also, and unexpectedly, I was lost in confusion. Confusion in my faith and God and what I had always thought I'd known as "revelation" or "inspiration". In this state of confusion and fractured faith I also felt misguided, misled... a deep distrust settled over my shoulders and gripped me tightly. My world darkened as my trust faded. I'd always been told to trust in Christ, to trust in the Holy Spirit as it would guide me, light my mind with Heaven's view. Now I questioned those feelings I had thought had come from the Spirit, those feelings that led Jason and I down the path of a second round of IVF and ultimately nearly end my life. I went through each day numbly; the numbness a sort of protective coating for the doubt and pain that enveloped me, too poignant and fresh it was sure to draw blood. I could hear screaming in the quite of my mind. It was mine. My silent screaming. That too became numbing, like the hum of white noise.

How could something have felt so right? So good? How could we have felt so assured? How could we have trusted in a feeling so completely? How could I have believed so completely and felt life inside of me and fell in love so quickly? How could we feel as if we'd witnessed a miracle only to have it ripped from our fingers so aggressively, so harshly, so destructively?

With this nimbus cloud encircling my spirit I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and into our church building. Jason and I sat in our usual spot, surrounded by our usual church family. We were early. Our friend sat in the pew in front of us and turned around, chatted with us as we waited for the meeting to start. I don't recall how or why he started to tell his story, but it fell upon me like a rush of air, like a wave crashing onto a parched, dry shore.
He was talking about his job (emergency planning manager for Los Angeles County public health/emergency department) and where he'd gone to graduate school (New Orleans, LA). "You know it was funny, neither of us wanted to go to Louisiana. We both hate humidity, we both don't like being too hot, we don't love barbecue or southern food. We couldn't believe it when we felt the prompting to go there for school. But it was so strong we knew we had to go, even if we didn't know why." It had felt so right and so clear and so good to them. Our friend and his wife packed up their new, little family and headed for Louisiana... then August 2005 came, as did Hurricane Katrina.
"The Lord didn't need me to go to grad–school in New Orleans. The Lord needed us to go through a hurricane."

The screaming in my head ceased. Silence. Some sort of understanding dawned, then deepened.

The Lord needed us to go through a hurricane.

It's funny how we, as humans, make all sorts of plans and time–lines for ourselves and our lives and our families. We map out exactly how we believe our lives should be and we feel so proud and sure of ourselves. And aren't we silly? We're not in charge here. Not really. God is over all. And what keeps me going, what keeps me hoping and believing and trusting, is knowing that He knows me. He knows me better than I know me. He loves me, better than I love me. I don't profess to know why things happen. I don't know why when we did IVF a third time last May we lost that sweet one too. I don't know! I wish I could, but maybe I don't get to yet. I know his plan for me has to be better than anything I could dream up for myself.
I have to believe this. I have to hang on to this. I have to know this truth.

He needed me to go through a hurricane. Ok. Done. Now what does He need me to do? Because I'm in. I'm all in.


Lucy said...

I'm so glad that you are all in. Love this!

Unknown said...

Oh my gosh I'm crying! Your writing is so beautiful and you're such an inspiration! ❤️

Ashley said...

There's so many different thoughts swarming through my mind right now. You are absolutely right about what a hurricane teaches us. But it doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache for you. Thank you for your honesty and example. Tonight, you and Jason will be in my prayers.

Unknown said...

Hoping and praying that you and Jason are able to find your "Rainbow" after going through yet another "Hurricane". Love you both!

Kiri J said...

Love this. You are awesome! Through the cycle of grief with infertility, loss, waiting,
etc, I always said if there is one thing I have learned from this, it's that we are most definitely not the ones in control. I've never felt more unable to control something in my life! You are so right about that Ger. He is the one calling the shots, & sometimes it's hard to trust Him! I know your posts are helpful to many! You are gifted with words! Thanks for always being willing to share! ❤️

Unknown said...

So beautifully written. He is definitely in charge and that is so hard sometimes. My heart aches for your hurt but I'm also inspired by your decision to move forward and be all in. Thanks for sharing and changing my perspective today.

Cassie said...

I'm so glad you are writing again.
All my love to you, sweet sister.

Tara said...

I don't know you, but this was beautiful. You are in my prayers.

Ben + Amanda said...

Wow.THat is one of the most profound blog posts I've EVER read. I literally had chills shock through my body! You have such a gift. xxx

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I was guided to read this today. I hope the best for the two of you. Thanks again. Just need to make it through my hurricane. Love you..Your mom's cousin Laurie.