6/07/2012


After the blood draw on Monday we received a call letting us know that I was a low positive (my level was 4.8, normal would be around 10.2). Two days later, after the second blood draw on Wednesday, we received a call letting us know that I was a definite negative (the level had dropped to 1.4).

So I was pregnant, for a tiny minute, and whoever attached just decided not to stay... and I lost them.

We were so sure, we were so positive, we never gave the idea that it might not work a second thought.


.....we are shattered—and I think we will be for a little while.


Right now we don't have any answers and we have so so so many questions.


We leave for the Duke transplant evaluation at the beginning of the week. And we're hoping to learn a few answers while we're there. And we're praying we can handle a full week of evaluation and hospital. And we're trying to get Jason stronger to handle the trip. And we're doing our best to look up.


I guess we just have to wait a little longer for our miracle.

44 comments:

Kayleen said...

oh, I'm broken hearted for you guys. I thought there was no way it wouldn't work. I'm so so sorry Geri. So so sorry!!

Good luck with your trip to Duke. You deserve the best this life has to offer and it's so hard to see such wonderful people hurting and struggling so much.

I think it's amazing you can share your story and reach out to others letting them know you're not alone.

Beth Willmore said...

I'm sorry Geri, there's nothing that anybody can say at a time like this to make it any better. You guys are amazing and know that you have so many people praying for you everyday! Thanks for being brave enough to share this with us.

dg darling said...

You don't know me. I found you on The Daybook. Love your photography, love your writing, love your attitude:) I was waiting anxiously for your results and just wanted to tell you that....I'm sorry. Which seems so lame to say. I wish I had something better to say. Something to pick up your spirits. Just know that even a stranger in UT is praying for you....

Lucy said...

Love you two.
:(

Tailor Talbot said...

Good luck! You two are so strong! Praying and thinking of you!

April said...

I'm so, so sorry. Your miracle is coming.. *hugs*

Geoff and Christy said...

Oh Geri, I'm so sorry! We will keep praying for you and Jason! We love you guys!

Audrey said...

Oh we are still rooting and praying for you two! Kevin was reading up on your blog last night {something he NEVER does in general} and said that he thought Jason was lookin' good! He said: "Geri's doing something right cuz Jason's bulking up, and he never used to be able to in high school!" I thought that was funny. :)

Sydney said...

We love you guys and are praying for you! Can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I'm so so incredibly sorry :(

EsterElla said...

My thoughts are with you two. There are no words to help ease the the loss but please know that you are not alone in your grief. <3

Sending love and positive energy,

Ester (a random girl you've never met but whom reads your blog religiously) =)

XOXO

Kendra Sue said...

Geri, I've never commented on any of your posts before, although I follow your blog all the time. Life is tough, but you always seem to have such a positive spin on it. I want you to know that you may not have known this but you were always a positive influence for me. You are so strong and beautiful and I know that Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for you and Jason. It will be AMAZING and all this heartache will make you appreciate it that much more. Feel strength from the prayers of everyone that is rooting for you. Luvs!

Hanson's said...

oh Geri, I just wrote this huge long thing and I don't think it got put up. So...here I go again. I am so sorry for all the heartache you guys are going though. I cannot imagine and you are in my prayers. A word in the scriptures has been popping out at me for awhile. Endure. To be honest, I don't really like that word. I wanna have my cake and eat it to and then have another piece. :) Sometimes it is hard when people tell you that it will all work out in the end. It will and that is true, but it does not make the middle easy. Life can get so hard that sometimes I don't really want to endure. I want to sit right down and well just keep sitting. I believe that Heavenly Father understands this. He lets you sit for a second, picks you back up and says "all right, keep going". Endure. He knows how much you ache. He knows how much you hurt. He has felt it and he will comfort you. He will not leave you alone. He will not. I know that you and Jason know this. When I was going though a rough trial and complaining about it; I was ready for it to be over, my dad told me, "Mary, this is making you more like Christ." That helped and helps me endure trials. What better thing is there Ger, To become more like Christ? That is one of the blessings all these trials are giving you. You will have so much more love, compassion and understanding. People will know you and they will know Christ. I think that this is already true. You are both such wonderful, valiant children of God and He loves you. Geri and Jason, you are in our prayers, but most importantly you are in Christs hands. I have no doubt that He is taking care of you, sharing in your sorrow and giving comfort and love. I believe that when you weep, He weeps with you. He is there and he loves you. If you can, get to the temple. It will bless you. I love you guys! Mary Hanson

Nash said...

Thinking of you guys! Hang in there!
You are both AMAZING!

communikate. said...

I'm rooting for you guys! Sending all sorts of good juju and sunny vibes the next few months! :)

Lynne said...

Dear Beautiful Mama (and Papa) to be,
i know the 'devastation', the sadness, the totally obscurity of not being pregnant when you believed with every fibre in your heart that you are... that God tells us to trust and believe and to hold on, because He will let it happen... and then it doesn't.

but being here.. in the sadness and the crushing of hope and dreams... it is devastating... shattering... and no one can understand what you are going through...

be there.. feel it... but keep on talking to each other...

We've been there 3 times...each time even worst than the first one... a little bit easier, but one think that the 2nd and 3rd time round it has to work...and when it doesn't you realise that your chances are becoming less and less.

BUT... God's time is not ours... you have to trust Him...

today.. we are parents to a beautiful boy and girl though adoption... magical magical magical journeys with both...super big surprises... and such magic.

Here is to your children...who are finding their way to you...on exactly the right moment when God knows is perfect.

(i also know how angry we were at Him... (angry angry angry... )but... today... i know that His plans were much better than ours.

Thinking of you and wished I could hold your hand through this tough journey.

Big hug,
Lin xx

PS: (www.mangasauras.blogspot.com / www.periwinkle-lin.blogspot.com) xx

Charlotte said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, you guys will be in my thoughts x

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have been going through the same thing. Postive test and then a few days later negative. Even though I don't know you and stumbled accross your blog I have been thinking of you. I guess I just wanted to say, I understand...

Jess said...

I'm sorry but praying for miracles to come your way soon. Give Jason a big hug for me. :)

Much love to you both!

Austin & Aubree Egbert said...

Jason and Geri, we love you both and are praying for you!

carla thorup said...

oh. i'm so so so sorry. and sad with you guys.

praying for safety & peace.

K said...

In case you didn't know, you guys are exploding online. Which lead me to your blog, and this post. Which just about broke my heart. I'm sorry. I've been there. And you guys amaze me. I have no idea how you can handle all that you are handling now. You're amazing. And it will all work out. The Lord has your backs. And a really good plan, too! Patience with and trust in that plan are just the hard parts.

Regina said...

I only know you through this blog, but you both exude a strength and positivity and partnership that can be strongly felt by anyone who reads your words. I am sending even more strength and positive thoughts your way. Take care next week, lots of people are thinking of you!
<3

merlene said...

Jason & Geri We are so sad to hear the news thank you for being the great people you are. We are praying for you,!!! we love you & wish we could do more for you. If you can think of anything please call. Grandpa Elmer & Granma Merlene

Emily said...

Hi Geri,
I know you don't know me but I have been reading your blog for a while now and commented when you first started with in vitro. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what infertility is like. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I know nothing I or anyone says will make it better but I guess I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and more people than you may realize are thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you. Your strength and faith are especially inspiring to me as my husband and I's infertility is from CF. thank you for sharing your story and faith.

the hawker's said...

We are so so sorry. We love you both so much! Hang in there! We will keep praying for you! You will get your miracle, I just know it!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry, you guys. That is heartbreaking. You are so strong to even share this. I know it is so devastating for you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers and I hope there's a glimmer of hope that comes from all of this. Even though it's crappy.

The Bensons said...

Geri and Jason-I am thinking of you both and sending love and prayers your way. As it's been said over and over, you are such an inspiration to so many people and are so strong to share your journey with so many. Much love!
Heidi

Anonymous said...

Hang in there and keep the faith!

Demarae said...

We love you. Hugs. And prayers. With the Lord's help, anything is possible. Remember that he knows what's best.
My suggestion is get a blessing. They always always make me feel better. Good luck.

Esla said...

Checked on your blog this morning and of course, sad to hear the news... And like everyone says....words can only do so much during a time like this....but really want to tell you that one of my good friends went thru treatments 4 grueling times with nothing...but is now due in two weeks with twins! It can happen and it will! Listen to your fortune cookie...it's telling the truth somehow, some way!

Megan said...

You don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog a while back. I usually never comment on blogs, but feel led to now ...

I am so sorry. My husband and I have been there, more than once, and it is so hard. I know nothing anyone says makes it "better", but over time, your heart will heal and through all the pain, I have come to know the Lord and His good character and un-endless love for me, His child, and that He loves us more than we could imagine. He has been there with us through so much, and even though there are things I will never understand, I trust His sovriegnty , in the good and the difficult times. He hasn't blessed me with a pregnancy, but He has blessed us with the opportunity to become parents just the same through adoption and has shown us that His plan was better for us than ours. Imagine that :)

I'm praying for peace for you and your husband, and I truly hope for success if you choose to try again. Prayers for your husband's health too!

Anonymous said...

Prayers are powerful. You are both in mine, though I don't know you. Some how, some way, things will get better -- this has been my personal life exerience (all 55 yrs of it). Some trials can be tough, but you are tougher!
LadyOTheLake, Rigby, ID

SHELLY said...

Hi Geri
I'm Cassie's buddy. Read your blog for hours yesterday and you have been STUCK in my brain and my prayers. I know you are fun and reverent and "looking up" as we
were so wisely instructed. Sometimes we don't get to
understand and all we can do is live in the present and endure. You have a great family supporting you. I met two of your sisters and talked to your momma so I know you have people with open ears! Remember that the next time you are balled up in the shower crying. I have been through hell myself and made it. You can to. Remember some important words "the easy way is rarely the right way".
Love to you both and give Cassie a big hug! Good luck and ENDURE!
Shelly

Kim Orlandini said...

From one infertility survivor to another I am officially putting you and your husband on my prayer roll. Love, love, love you from the depths of my soul. I would love to send you a gift, I hope that isn't weird...is there an address set up to do so? kimorlandini@gmail.com

Curtis and Crystal Emery said...

Hi, I found your blog through Ashley Sullenger and have now done a bit of blog stalking now! You are very entertaining and I love your posts. I'm so sorry to hear about the IVF not being successful. I have a dear friend who is going through the same thing and it's very difficult when the attempts don't work (both emotionally and financially). I am glad I have found you. I have been keeping you and your husband in my prayers and hope for the best for you. You have a long and bumpy road with both your husband and your quest to have a baby. The Team Jason video was awesome and I will be jumping over to donate. Good luck!

The Gearys said...

Geri, you are an incredible woman. I just want to say that you are an example to me.

Lindsey said...

Geri, I'm so sorry! I think you are both amazing and deserving of all the wonderful things in life. I feel strongly that things work out in the end, but that doesn't mean that road isn't hard or sucky sometimes. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Aubrey said...

I'm so sorry. Truly ache for you. You are a wonderful person and are so strong. Love you lots.

Erica said...

My heart breaks for you but I know God has a plan for the both of you. Stay strong!

breemunger said...

Geri- Found my way here today and normally would never comment on a strangers post but my stomach fell out reading the last few posts on IVF. I went thru IVF in 2009. We got 4 eggs. I misscarried twins at 8 wks and was devastated. We had a few more miscarriages along the way. When I finally felt ready to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer with our 2 remaining eggs, negativity surrounded every last corner I turned. How could it work after so many failures? But Hope did previal, and on 10.12.11 our beautiful baby girl was born. I have since learned she was saved for a time when our family would need her most but it certainly didn't make much sense at the time. I pray your miracle will find you as well. On a sidenote, my brother n law had a double lung transplant in December and is now thriving with his wife and two young daughters. My prayers go out to you all on your journey to healhty lungs!

Kim Summer said...

Got your check in the mail. I shed a tear for you not being able to be there, and one for the journey you are on now, which is way more important than my wedding. Sending health and light your way. I'll continue to read your blog all the time, and maybe one day, ten years from now, you can photograph my anniversary party, with Jason by your side as your assistant. Heart and hugs. Kim and Mike

Melody said...

Geri, I just love you. You inspire me in so many ways. The relationship you and Jason have is one to aspire to, your positive attitude, your love for life, your patience in enduring. I was impressed with you in high school, but you are ten times more amazing now! If I've learned nothing else in my life, it is that Heavenly Father ALWAYS has a plan, even if it isn't the same one in our mind. And His timing and His plan are always best... I know it isn't exactly the same thing, but I had a miscarriage before Emma and thought the moment would never come that I would be able to hold a sweet baby in my arms. And although I still remember that time in my life, it seems like such a small moment now. I promise, you will get your miracles. You and Jason will make such amazing parents.

Amy and Clark said...

Oh, I am so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

Erin and Alan Farnes said...

Hey Geri,
As many people have probably already said, I too have been there. I shared a little in RS a couple weeks ago but I can't remember if you were there or not. You can find the story at farnesfam.blogspot.com under "our miscarriage" All I can say is I'm very sorry. It's very difficult. Let me know if you need to talk about it. I would love to listen.

Erin Farnes